Keto Tapas

Technically these probably aren't tapas, since that word refers to Spanish small plates/appetizers, and I'm pretty sure nothing on this plate came from Spain. But I can't think of a better word to use and Keto Tapas has a nice ring.

The bread/cracker looking parts are simply baked cheese slices. For those with dairy intolerance issues, many people are able to get away with either raw cheese or goat cheese, so keep that in mind. Trader Joe's makes a great sliced Dutch Goat Cheese that works well here.

Here's how to fire up this sexy dish in your kitchen.

1. Preheat oven to 400 degrees.

2. Line a baking sheet with parchment paper.

3. Place as many slices of cheese as you want on there, they won't bleed or enlarge when cooked, so you can pack them pretty tight if you want to make a bunch at once.

1. Throw them in the oven for about 8 minutes.

2. Remove from oven and let cool for a few minutes, pull them off with tongs, then flip them over and set on a plate. Depending on the type of cheese, flipping it over will give a better/less bumpy platform to lay down toppings.

1. Now use your imagination. Proteins, fats, veggies, fruits, blood of your enemies, tears of your exes, whatever you want, stack it on top. I've detailed what I used below, which I would definitely recommend trying out because these were damn good.

The Repo Man

(really hoping somebody gets that joke)

Toppings

Slice of liverwurst (from local butcher)

Slice of organic Roma tomato

Organic yellow mustard

Nutrition Info

Most people on low-carb or keto diets are probably aware of the tremendous health benefit of including organ meats in the diet. If you're not eating organ meats, you should be. Problem is, they can be a pain in the ass to prepare, and they often taste like, well, organs.

Liverwurst is a delicious, simple organ meat vehicle that typically includes beef, liver, heart, and kidney. Think of it like a super nutrient dense sausage.

I picked some up from my local butcher, but you can also order some really high quality liverwurst from US Wellness Meats here.

Calories: 175

Protein: 9g

Fat: 15g

Carbs: 1g

Micronutrient highlights: Lots of Vitamin A and B12

The Zen and the Art of Mortadella Maintenance

Toppings

Two folded slices of Pistachio Mortadella (from local butcher)

Three slices of organic avocado

Sriracha Mayo

Nutrition Info

Mortadella is basically ground up pork with seasonings and spices. It resembles the bologna your mom used to make sandwiches with when you were a kid, except way better. And also now since you're all grown up, you'll just get beat up and have this taken from you in the workplace break room instead of the middle school cafeteria. My butcher had some with slices of pistachio in it. Boar's Head makes this pistachio variety as well.

Calories: 280

Protein: 13g

Fat: 24g

Carbs: 3g

The Pulled Porkinson's

Toppings

BBQ Pulled Pork (from local butcher)

Nutrition Info

When somebody else pulls your pork, it can be a risky choice for low-carb/keto dieters because you don't know exactly how many carbs you're getting. My butcher said there was some brown sugar added to the mix, so that's obviously not ideal but also not something to be super concerned about if you're having a small quanitity. I mean really, chill the fuck out, there's people in third world countries that haven't had tapas in weeeeks.

My numbers below are a ballpark guess based on other BBQ pulled pork recipes I've found online, added to what I know we're getting from the cheese crisp.

Calories: 146

Protein: 11g

Fat: 10g

Carbs: 3g

The "Yes We're Breaking Up, But It's Not You Babe, It's Pastram-mi"

Toppings

Peppered Pastrami (from local butcher)

Cholula hot sauce

Nutrition Info

If your pastrami comes in long slices like mine did, I'd recommend cutting it into smaller pieces, as pictured. Pastrami is a bit of a chewey meat, so if you just pile up long strips of it on a cheese crisp, you're going to end up with one bite of crisp and the entirety of the pastrami in your mouth on the first attempt. Something about that sentence makes me feel like it's been said by a British porn director at some point.

Calories: 159

Protein: 15g

Fat: 11g

Carbs: 0g

Hope you enjoy these tapas or whatever they are, and do share your own ideas for toppings in the comments below. And obviously do us all the favor of naming it with a shitty pun.